When I go out to dinner with friends
We all have a swell time, but when the meal does end
There's one sure way for a passive-aggressive mess
Waitress please just split this check

Why folks can't account for tip and tax
I will never know, but that really chaps my ass
I know you won't, but hey what the heck
Waitress please just split this check

Tim ordered an app, will he claim it- what do you think?
Sammy got a dessert, and Sheila had 7 drinks
So no I don't want it split evenly
Waitress please split this check by each seat

I'm not a dick, I just want to be fair
Oh you're strapped for cash, well I really just don't care
We've all lost our jobs in the past few years
So I don't wanna pay for your beers

Tim ordered an app, will he claim it- what do you think?
Sammy got a dessert, and Sheila had 7 drinks
So no I don't want it split evenly
Waitress please split this check by each seat

Wanna do me a solid favor
Then take this check right back
Split it up
Be my savior
I just had a small cheese plate
And now they want me to chip in
For Kim's beef wellington
And it makes me irate
To split Phil's porterhouse steak

Tim ordered an app, will he claim it- what do you think
Sammy got a dessert, and Sheila had 7 drinks
So no I don't want it split evenly
Waitress please split this check by each seat

No I don't want it split evenly
Waitress please-- Split this
Waitress please-- Just split this
Waitress please-- Split this
By each seat