So I’ll take a chubby and no I don’t mean a dick I’m just talking bout one who doesn’t usually get picked Big fellas beat my heart like a Nascar racer That's right ladies I'm a chubby chaser. All you skinny-ass fellas I bid you adieu I want a man with some meat I can grab on to Nothing on earth gets me more randy Than a man who hits the town in an elastic waist-bandy Yea it looks like rosacia when you get hot But your red face makes me wanna tie the knot Once a month I get cranky with a case of bloat But all year long I wanna swim in your blubber moat Chubby Chaser, Chubby Chaser Sure you've got some extra flab But in my book you're extra fab Chubby Chaser, Chubby Chaser It's such a treat to see to see your cankled feet I like all kinds of girls now don't get me wrong But there's a reason I'm here and involved with this song Takin' fatties out in public builds humility Then I take off their pants And exploit their vulnerability Mama Cass nice ass Would you like another sandwich You and Kirstie Alley I don't know know which one to land next I can curl up on their stomachs like a lazy cat, lovely I'd be sex-deprived without you My chubby for the chubbies! Too skinny for a man's world No muscles anyway But when it comes to packin' rounders Oh I can pull my weight A little here, a whole lot there In time I'll have her covered If my dick was Waffle House It just got scattered and smothered! Chubby Chaser, Chubby Chaser Sometimes I wish I was your sandals Front row seat to your thick love handles Chubby Chaser, Chubby Chaser I'm doublin' on your double chin I don't have time for models They're dim and smell too nice I want a sweaty Betty And I'll take the largest size If you want a shot at my twin coconuts Then lose the six-pack And get up in these guts Chubby Chaser, Chubby Chaser When I see those cottage cheese thighs I get the sweats for a Super Size fries Chubby Chaser, Chubby Chaser Lose the 'tude But keep those moobs Chubby Chaser, Chubby Chaser But you'll have to warn me before you get up on me

It's Sunday morning The California sun is shining bright Time to hit the Farmer's Market I was born to plant my seed right Fresh strawberries, grapefruit, and homemade honey sticks are great But let's not pretend That's not what's on our menu for today I come to check out Hot Dads, Hot Dads Nah this ain’t a fad Not even a tad I got a thing for Hot Dads, Hot Dads In their free range, organic plaids Don't forget about those Hot Moms, Hot Moms My pants just can’t stay calm No I won’t last long Come over here you Hot Moms, Hot Moms Let me shotgun you some homemade wax lip balm I live to see your facial scruff on an early Sunday And check out your tush as you pick out a hydrangea bouquet I'm just trying to catch your eye with my 9-grain pancake patty Hey where can I sign up for you to be my sugar daddy Hot Dads, Hot Moms They're all over Hot Moms, Hot Dads Like 3-leaf clovers I gaze over the farm grown blackberry jelly And see the remains of a sexy preggers belly You've been through so much, I know your body's tired But I'm like a preservative Mami I don't expire Talking about Hot Moms, Hot Moms Can I get a seat On top of your sweet teet Talking bout those Hot Dads, Hot Dads Don’t wanna cause a scene I just wanna peek that peen And it don't really matter that you're someone else's mister Or that I'm young enough to be your baby's sister When I go and see you in your oatmeal hoodie I can't help myself I get a lady woodie Getting up early on Sundays really starts to suck But I’d do anything cause you’re a Mom I’d Like to... Hot Dads, Hot Moms They're everywhere Hot Moms, Hot Dads Who wants to start an affair Hot Dads, Hot Moms I’ll be right over here Hot Moms, Hot Dads Let’s go disappear Hot Dads, Hot Moms I just can’t get enough Can I see you in the buff Hot Moms, Hot Dads You need to drop your fresh produce And we’ll seduce and reproduce

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that. I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you. At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me.” was meant to be funny, not offensive. At some point everyone has gambled on a fart And sometimes You lose that bet And your pants get all wet It's always embarrassing whether you're in a coffee shop or a club But it's a much harsher fate When you're on a first date I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it “gambling.” I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat. What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract. I await your call, Tad. P.S. If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early...touche. At some point everyone has gambled on a fart And sometimes You lose that bet And your pants get all wet It's always embarrassing whether you're in a coffee shop or in a club But it's a much harsher fate When you're on a first date When you fart on a date

You guys are commitment phobic You know You girls are dramatic and crazy I know I know I may not be perfect, but there's way worse So why is it so hard out there Who knows And I'm all fed up Hey wait Don't you wanna date me You will never make me the One But it's ok It's not too late To change how birth set me I think it's about time for a change Could you show me the way I think I'd be a really good gay Think I'd be a really good gay I wear cowgirl boots and a cute dress Every night So I guess I could be a lipstick Isn't that right I get major bored watching sports or going fishing And I always peek that peen when all the other dudes are pissing I'd rather dance than start a fight Hey wait Screw all you straighties And your STDs I think I'll be okay It's not too late For a game of twister Or rock, paper, scissor Cause let me just say I think I'd be a really good gay My sister used to dress me up like a girl and make me perform in front of my family I'd close my eyes and pretend I was Liberace, live in Italy I played basketball and softball, I sang tenor in high school chorus, and I still think Old Spice Sport deodorant smells really good My two favorite drinks in the whole wide world are margaritas and cosmos And I can work a pant-suit like nobody's business Ya'll know I'll never have a guy/girl break my heart again I don't have any other plans this weekend Might as well give in Hey gays Hey gays Hey gays Don't you wanna date me Ready for you to make me the One Let's go play So today I'll throw away my old dolls And trade em in for a Uhaul Hip hip hooray I think I'd be a really good gay I-I think I'd be a really good gay Or at least let them get married

Go out, have a nice date I'm your babysitter I'll do crafts with your kid Using crayons and glitter But before we get to that No I won't wait till later I'm about to rummage through your refrigerator I'm not bad, I'm just hungry and poor And you've got a pantry I can't wait to explore All I keep in my apartment is booze So I go through yours looking for Doritos and Dunk-a-Roos It's a Shark Attack As soon as you turn your back We'll raid your snacks until we have full backpacks We could find a Mike & Ike in a haystack Babysitters, musicians on the road We'll eat the shit out of your humble abode We're worse than a Guy Fieri episode Fruit-by-the-foot, string cheese, pre-packaged on-the-go Feeling a little cozy Cause we turned up your heat, yo Yeah outside that's real snow I'm not a thief You said 'What's mine belongs to you' So I'mma take a hot shower And use your spensy shampoo We've stuffed our suitcases til they're busting at the seam Now you're out of TP So I sure hope your towels are clean Cause it's a Shark Attack As soon as you hit the sack We'll raid your snacks until we have full backpacks We can't wait to find your Gushers and a Fun Dip pack Babysitters, musicians on the road We'll eat the shit out of your humble abode Get ready for a high fructose corn syrup overload Yea, it's a Shark Attack Kitchen wreckage worse than Iraq Our mission's done and now we have full backpacks We left a crusty pot in the sink of cheese and mac And since we found your Fritos and bean dip Don't stand downstream That fart might turn into shit And we know you don't have any more toilet paper

You've always wanted a trophy miss And I gave that a whirl It's time you learn I'm a controller-in-hand kinda girl I love you and still think you're quite a looker But honestly I just wanna steal some cars And pick up a Vice City Hooker I don't want your sweet caress Give me the plastic sexy of my NES So I think that we should go our separate ways Yea I think that we should go our separate ways Ms PacMan cant find her man up in this maze I prolly could live without you But not my video games I tried to figure you out You're like a puzzle in God of War I thought I'd stick it out But now I'm out the door We used to be on fire But now we're plutonic It's like our chemistry feels like Robotnic and Sonics Remember in the park Where we cuddled and we laughed Now you only care about your XP in World of Warcraft I try to give you sweet booty But all you want is Call of Duty So I think that we should go our separate ways Yea I think that we should go our separate ways I'm nothing but a ghost in your PacMan maze I don't wanna live without you But fuck your video games You make it so tough when I try to get all up on your grind Just do me a Solid Not the Metal Gear kind I wanna work this out a lot But I feel like I've been Halo shot Well lemme just shoot this Modern Warfare missle Then how bout one last ride on your Warp Whistle I love you, but I'm sorry It feels like we're too much apart Cause you don't even know the meaning of up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-b-a-start So I guess that we should go our separate ways Yea I guess that we should go our separate ways That Warp Whistle sesh has got me in a haze But now I'll live without you And go play some video games Play some video Play some video Play some video games Sorry but your Princess is in another castle

It pays to be homeless Homeless, with no home (that's the definition of homeless) It pays to be homeless Homeless don't you kno--oo-oow Great tan, no yard to mow Sifting my feet through the sand behind Bi-Lo No bills, no fire drills Find a used Starbucks cup, get a free refill Use some boxes to fashion a tent Sure beats the hell outta paying rent No charge for the autumn piss scent (piss scent) This adult-stuff isn't what it's cracked up to be Penny-pinching each dollar and cent Screw this pressure, got 2 B a better way Than finding employment It pays to be homeless Homeless, with no home (that's the definition of homeless) It pays to be homeless Homeless don't you kno—oo-oow I'm my own boss, I got an open schedge When it comes to inventive shoe-soles, I'm on the cutting edge Forget about debt, I shower when the Shell turns on the sprinkler jet The whole world is my toilet When you're homeless Homeless with no home It pays to be homeless Homeless don't you knooooow My hair can always be a mess I got no stress It pays to be homeless Collecting cash, pretending I work at this parking lot Eating food from trash, catching it just before it rots No regular dwelling, always traveling, that's worldliness you're smelling Try not to get aroused, just enjoy the perks of the unhoused I just peed my pants

When I go out to dinner with friends We all have a swell time, but when the meal does end There's one sure way for a passive-aggressive mess Waitress please just split this check Why folks can't account for tip and tax I will never know, but that really chaps my ass I know you won't, but hey what the heck Waitress please just split this check Tim ordered an app, will he claim it- what do you think? Sammy got a dessert, and Sheila had 7 drinks So no I don't want it split evenly Waitress please split this check by each seat I'm not a dick, I just want to be fair Oh you're strapped for cash, well I really just don't care We've all lost our jobs in the past few years So I don't wanna pay for your beers Tim ordered an app, will he claim it- what do you think? Sammy got a dessert, and Sheila had 7 drinks So no I don't want it split evenly Waitress please split this check by each seat Wanna do me a solid favor Then take this check right back Split it up Be my savior I just had a small cheese plate And now they want me to chip in For Kim's beef wellington And it makes me irate To split Phil's porterhouse steak Tim ordered an app, will he claim it- what do you think Sammy got a dessert, and Sheila had 7 drinks So no I don't want it split evenly Waitress please split this check by each seat No I don't want it split evenly Waitress please-- Split this Waitress please-- Just split this Waitress please-- Split this By each seat

We know everything sucks right now but haters gonna hate It's hard to see, but it gets better Just you wait Bullying wont amount to- to anything Soon that jerk-face who gave you a swirly and stole the tots off your plate, When he grows up all he does is spell words wrong on his status updates. Bullying wont amount to- to anything Bullys wont amount to anything He'll be fat, bald, uneducated, diabetic on walker I know it seems so far away but after high school That guy that seemed so tough will probably be on house arrest on divorce three with nothing more to show not even a JC degree, had to return for his GED And while he's wasted, watching Jersey Shore headed for an early death You'll be the dude that owns the company that makes his meth Bullying wont amount to- to anything You'll probably own a golf course too, and have a smokin hot wife And every kid that ever bullied you will wish they had your life Bullying wont amount to- to anything Bullys wont amount to anything He'll be fat, bald, uneducated, diabetic on walker I know it seems so far away but after high school You're one of Forbes 500 and he's just plain white trash with a farmer's tan Sitting in his basement drinkin sodas that are off-brand, singing with his Nickelback tribute band So don't you worry, for you it gets better And he'll just get polyps on his butt

This has gone too far You're in your cubicle all alone, you're bored But your responses have gone overboard There's a difference you know Between reply and reply all, it's true So our message goes out just for you You've gotta stop Replyin replyin Replyin replyin Replyin ALL In my email box, you keep Fillin it flillin it Fillin it flillin it Fillin it UP And it's too much junk with Uninteresting info and One person jokes This is overhaul You've gotta stop Replyin Allllllllllll (Yea, no seriously) This is common sense Shouldn't everyone know better by now But some of you missed the memo somehow You think your quips are fun But no one gives a poop, FYI So leave out the "All" and just hit "Reply" You've gotta stop Replyin replyin Replyin replyin Replyin ALL In my email box, you keep Fillin it flillin it Fillin it flillin it Fillin it UP And it's too much junk with Uninteresting info and One person jokes This is overhaul You've gotta stop Replyin Allllllllllll (Just Quit)